Am I Happy?

(suggested background music pairing:  Don't Worry, Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin)

(yes, I went there!)

So, I’m sitting in my cube at work, looking out of my window down at the world.  I sit on the 14^th floor of one of the high-rises in Downtown Rochester.   If I look eastward, I can see other buildings, streets, houses, on into the horizon.  If I look northward, I can also see buildings, but on a clear day like today, Lake Ontario stretches out to the horizon.  So, I’m watching people walking and driving, like busy little cliché ants running around busily. In the background, I hear my co-workers, on calls, going back and forth to the printer, and complaining. We all complain at work, myself included.  But it seems as if the morale here has gotten worse over the past few months.  With worsening morale comes more complaining.  But at the end of the day, we all leave our collective complaints and head home to our own separate routines, running this kid here, stopping at that store there.  We become one of the busy little ants 14 floors down from where I am now.  

I, however, usually head home to my silent little townhouse.  I have no one to welcome me, I have very little to greet me.  I know that may sound sad, and sometimes it can be, but there are also some times where it’s exactly what I need.  Most times, however, I am OK with it.  Usually when I talk about my alone life in NY (and I don’t mean lonely), I get asked, “are you happy?”

That’s a loaded question.  It’s a vague question.  It’s a question that could drive any number of answers, but I’ll answer that with another question:  what does that mean?  Am I happy today?  Am I happy with myself?  Am I happy with my situation?  Which situation?  My career?  My home life?  My friendships, my weight, my plans?  My thoughts?  Am I happy with the weather?  OK, maybe I answered the first question with a long series of questions, but “are you happy?” is a key concept.  It’s the first question that gets asked when there is trouble in a relationship.  Sometimes it’s the last question that gets asked in a relationship also.  Most times, it seems, it gets asked when someone thinks you’ll answer with a no – an introduction to the follow-up question of “what’s wrong?” or “why not?”  But on top of the questions I already mentioned, I have a basic question...what is happiness? 

Is happiness success?  What is success?  Is success happiness?  Is it current state, or the average state over a period of time?  If I’m happy now, am I happy?  If I’ve been happy most of the last six months, am I happy?  A year?  Can one be happy if I’m in an unhappy situation?  Of if I’m surrounded by unhappiness?  Do I define happiness within myself, or are there outside factors?  Can I control my happiness?  Can I control what doesn’t make me happy?  Or what makes me unhappy?  Do any of those things control me?  Is happiness a self-standing emotion, or is it in comparison to something else?  Or someone?  Or some goal, or ideal, or perfection?  And how do you know when you’re happy?  

OK…so I answered one question with 35 questions.  And the bottom line is this:  everyone defines happiness differently.  The most important thing, in my opinion, is this:  how you define your own happiness?  Then the question is no longer “are you happy?”, it’s “are you meeting your personal definition of happiness?”   If you are, then I, in turn, am happy for you.  If you are not, then, are you really defining happiness by your own terms?  If so, is your definition achievable?  If so, are you headed down that road?  

Am I happy?  Yes, yes, working on it, yes, getting there, yes, not yet, yes, if only, but oh well, yes, and sure.  :)   Or, to shorten that:  generally.  Which is OK by me.  :)

Why I Reject Labels (Follow-Up)

This is a very interesting article about the possible impacts of labels on the success of kids going through school: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/curtis-valentine/american-excellence-does-_b_841195.html?ref=fb&src=sp

Three different parts of the article stood out to me:

1. The article contends, "For those minorities who have reached some level of academic achievement, there is a chance they have been ridiculed by someone at least once. For many of us, the key to persevering through the gambit of name calling in the name of academic achievement was a strong self-image instilled way before we entered school." 
2. In addition, "In a survey of 166 Black 5th- through 12th-graders identified as gifted, students described "acting white" as speaking properly, being smart or too smart, doing well in school and taking advanced courses. Of the respondents, 60 percent reported knowing someone who had been teased or ridiculed for doing well in school, while 42 percent reported being teased for this reason themselves. Sociologist John Ogbu made a related claim in his book, Black American Students in an Affluent Suburb: a Study of Academic Disengagement, concluding that Black students' own cultural attitudes hindered academic achievement and that these attitudes are too often neglected." 
3. Finally, a different Harvard Univ study was summarized as follows:  "In other words, a Hispanic student with a 4.0 GPA is the least popular of all Hispanic students, and has 3 fewer friends than a typical white student with at 4.0 GPA. For Black Americans, the number of friends they have increases as their GPA increases until it exceeds 3.5 when he/she begins to lose friends. There are many theories that may explain away the drop off, but the idea that the number of friends continues to increase for whites until they reach 4.0 can not be overlooked."

I won't re-hash what I said in my original "Why I Reject Labels" post, except to say that I find this all too familiar.  I went through the full spectrum of negative emotions when reading this: sad for those who have to deal with this; fear for what my son may (and probably will) have to go through; and anger that people can be so ridiculous.

My original post was an add-on to my post about Rodney King, and his quote that is often ridiculed, but in reality is way too ignored:  CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG??????

Conversations

In my opinion, Community is one of the best shows on TV right now. It’s a creatively-written comedy with a lot of deep sub-surface moral-of-the-story themes. For more info http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1439629/ In last week’s episode Community, Jeff had planned a Pulp Fiction-themed surprise party for Abed. Abed, however, was going through an epiphany. The resulting conversation in the episode really grabbed me:

Abed:  You know, I look back at my life and ask, "Who was that?" Why did he care about so many things that did not matter?... Who needs all of these pop culture references anyway? Movies, TV, to hell with all of it….You know what I was Jeff? I was that wallet. On the surface, a reference to a cinematic drivel, but on the inside, empathy….This is the first birthday of my new life. The wallet’s cute Jeff, but I’d like to exchange it for a better gift. I’m not leaving here until you given me my first real conversation.

(First:  The “wallet” was a gift of a replica of the wallet in Pulp Fiction. Second:  yes, I realize that I’m making a pop culture reference about a conversation that denounces pop culture references. However, back to the conversation…in the episode, the conversation changed direction for a few lines and then comes back to…)

Abed:   Listen to how we talk to each other; we’re like robots, exchanging catch phrases and references? 

Jeff:   You think pointing that out counts as a real conversation? You know how many fake people are talking about how fake the world is right now.

Abed:   OK, I’m new at this, can you start a real conversation?

Jeff:   I don’t believe there’s such a thing. Conversation was invented by humans as a way to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other’s mouths. They get right down to brass tacks. “Blllaaaah! Which way is the picnic? Blllaaaah!” Humans are more evolved. We lie.  

Abed:   Not all the time.

Jeff:   That’s a lie. 

Abed:   We don’t lie when we’re alone.

Jeff:   Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten of lies happen six inches from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.

Abed:   How is it possible to lie when you’re alone?

Jeff:   You can call a phone sex line. That’s lying to you.

Abed:   No, that’s just being honest to a stranger about being lonely. 

Jeff:   What if you’re dishonest about why you’re lonely?….

____________________________________________________________

ALSO last week, I was forwarded a New York Times Op Ed piece about the decreasing use of the phone in our society, which is linked here: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/20/fashion/20Cultural.html?_r=1&ref=fashion I pulled out one specific quote from that. 

“For the most part, assiduous commenting on a friend’s Facebook updates and periodically e-mailing promises to “catch up by phone soon” substitute for actual conversation.”

_____________________________________________________________

Finally, from my introductory post to this blog: 

The other reason for communicating and sharing thoughts is that on all levels, I firmly we are uplifted when we talk, when we share. We teach and we’re taught, we validate and become validated, we connect and become connected. If more people looked outward instead of selfishly focusing inward, a lot of the worries have in our society would not be as widespread. We all have a responsibility to each other. Our friendships, our community, our society, and I’ll extend this all the way out to the human race, rely on that responsibility in order to achieve happiness at all those levels.

__________________________________________________________________

What has happened to the art of conversation? Where has it gone and why has it disappeared? I for one find it sad the way society has progressed from a involved, evolved, connected and inter-connected group of people to just about the opposite:  disconnected and uninvolved. Everything we do is done with short snippets and fragments of thoughts. Texts, Facebook comments, Tweets - all have a limit to how long they can be (160, 420, and 140 letters/spaces/characters respectively). I am just as guilty as everyone in this. These types of communication definitely have their place; I have been reunited with old friends, and have renewed acquaintances who have become new friends as well, all while being six hours from home. In short, I have been able to stay connected to home while living away from home, and I am very thankful for that.  

Road Work Ahead

(suggested background music pairing:  ....stop that!, Bob James, 1992) 

“The road of life is always under construction.”

This resonated with me today – I heard this at my weekly Weight Watcher’s meeting.  It was actually said almost as an added afterthought, as she was really talking about the fact that the program was really more of a lifetime change, not a one-time diet.  But this post isn’t about weight loss…

Driving Through PA's Ghost Town

(suggested background music pairing:  Life In A Northern Town; Dream Academy,1985)

A topic that has always fascinated me is the fate of the little town of Centralia, PA.  In short, Centralia is a ghost town set in the middle of PA's Coal Country.  Sometime back in the 1960’s, a fire started in an abandoned coal mine beneath town, and the fire has been burning ever since, closing in on 50 years.  As a result of the fire, and the dangerous conditions related to it, in the early 1980’s, the Commonwealth of PA began buying property to entice residents to move to a safer location.  For those who’ve refused, in the 1990’s, the Commonwealth began to attempt to force the remaining residents to leave.  I’ve posted a link to the Wikipedia page which goes into pretty good detail about the town, the fire, and the battles which ensued.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centralia,_Pennsylvania

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Irish Memorial

Penn's Landing

Philadelphia PA

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

http://www.irishmemorial.org/

.  

An Open Letter From Me To You

Dear _________  (insert your name here):

Good morn or evening friends; here's your friendly announcer!  I have serious news to pass on to everybody.  What I'm about to say could mean the world's disaster, could change your joy and laughter to tears and pain.

It's that Love's in need of love today.   Don't delay, send yours in right away!  Hate's goin' round breaking many hearts.  Stop it please, before it's gone too far!

The force of evil plans to make you its possession,   and it will if we let it destroy every-body.  We all must take precautionary measures.  If love and peace you treasure, then you'll hear me when I say that Love's in need of love today.  Don't delay, send yours in right away!  Hate's goin' round breaking many hearts.  Stop it please, before it's gone too far!

_______________________________

We are under attack.  People are out there trying to take things from us, our morals, our hearts, our souls, our time.  Everyone is scratching and clawing and scraping to get to “the top”, a top they feel they can achieve by any means necessary, leaving a trail of battered feelings and shattered dreams.  

But I urge you, you are better than that.  The person you are inside is all you need to be and you must protect and cherish and be one with yourself.  Believe in yourself!  You are worth fighting for, you are worth defending.   Believe that with all your might, love who you are and spread that love around and maybe, just maybe, we will win this thing! 

I will be there, at your side, fighting all the way!

In solidarity,

John

PS - thanks to Stevie Wonder (song lyrics to Love's In Need, and to my dear friend and fellow blogger Lahna for the following post:  http://lincolnsideup8.blogspot.com/2011/03/as-you-were.html

The NFL (N----- For Labor)

From an interview of Vikings RB Adrian Peterson, on the Shutdown Corner blog by yahoo.com's Doug Farrar:

SC: We're talking about 15 minutes after the NFLPA sent in the paperwork to decertify, so the lockout's on everybody's minds. I've talked to a lot of players about this recently, and I always ask the same question — what is the message you want to get out to the people who love the game and are tired of hearing all the labor talk?

AP: We're business-minded, also. It's not just fun and games. A lot of football players, whether it's Sunday or Monday night — we're out there on the field, competing, hitting each other. But people don't see everything else behind it. It's a job for us, too — every day of the week. We're in different states, sometimes thousands of miles away from our families and kids, and a lot of people don't look at it like that. All some people see is, 'Oh, we're not going to be around football.' But how the players look at it … the players are getting robbed. They are. The owners are making so much money off of us to begin with. I don't know that I want to quote myself on that…

SC: It's nothing that I haven't heard from other players, believe me.

AP: It's modern-day slavery, you know? People kind of laugh at that, but there are people working at regular jobs who get treated the same way, too. With all the money … the owners are trying to get a different percentage, and bring in more money. I understand that; these are business-minded people. Of course this is what they are going to want to do. I understand that; it's how they got to where they are now. But as players, we have to stand our ground and say, 'Hey — without us, there's no football.' There are so many different perspectives from different players, and obviously we're not all on the same page — I don't know. I don't really see this going to where we'll be without football for a long time; there's too much money lost for the  owners. Eventually, I feel that we'll get something done.  But this crazy idea about an 18-game season … I'm sure they want more entertainment and more revenue, but we're not going to see a pinch of that (the increased revenue), and it's just the business we're in.

_______________________________________________________________

OK…I’m really trying to side with the players.  I’m trying.  I want to.  And by saying what I’m about to say, I’m NOT siding with the owners here.  In fact, this further entrenches me into consciously NOT taking either side  

BUT – let me see here.  Let me see if I get this straight.

Slaves:

• weren't paid,
• were taken from their homeland and had to endure sitting in the bottom of a cross-ocean ship-ride, in chains,
• had to do manual labor,
• were beaten regularly and sometimes murdered without consequence,
• had their wives raped and kids taken from them,
• and they were sold at auction. 

NFL players:

• are paid more (and MUCH MORE) than most people,
• voluntarily started playing football and voluntarily continue to do so,
• play a game,
• are consciously physical, and in some cases, admittedly try to cause pain,
• some have multiple girlfriends, in some cases abuse said girlfriends, and in some cases father multiple kids,
• get traded.  OK, maybe this is a fair comparison.  Oh wait.  When a player is traded, many times they end up making MORE money. 

Do me a favor:  shut your ig'nant ass up.

Reflections On Jury Duty (Is Justice Free, Or Is There A Toll?)

So, last week, I went through the jury duty experience for the first time. When I lived in PA, I was called twice but never had to report. This was my first time in Monroe County NY and I ended up being in the jury box, questioned, and eventually not selected for a particular trial. After a few days of reflecting, I’m still kinda left unsettled.

Since I don’t know whether other counties and states do things differently, here in NY State, I received a notification in the mail probably two months ago, stating that I was selected for jury duty. There was a short questionnaire that needed to be filled out and sent in, or completed online. I don’t remember what was on that questionnaire but I think it was short and simple; verification of address. Once that is done, after a few weeks, I received another notification with my juror number and week assigned. I was # 22 for the week of March 7, 2011.  There was another questionnaire, this time around normal work schedule and employer information, to determine whether the state had to pay for jury duty or not.  That questionnaire had to be turned in in person when reporting.

The NFL (Not For Long)

So, I’m trying to understand this all. The players union is no longer a union, and the team owners have locked the players out of facilities. This is all going to be settled by a Federal Court. Neither side has made concrete statements, and supposedly there is a gag order in effect. So, in trying to understand what the issues are, I’ve done some researching and I’m going to rely on a column written in the Philadelphia Inquirer by football columnist Ashley Fox. I am paraphrasing and quoting a large part of her column in the next few paragraphs.

WHERE WE ARE, IT SEEMS:

Another Day,..

(suggested background music pairing:  Touch of Grey, Grateful Dead, 1987)

Its 8PM…another cold windy Rochester night. I’m listening to the sound of sleet hitting the window. Fortunately it’s just warm enough, like, 32.1 degrees, where it’s not sticking. I get to feel fortunate. Yippee. 

It could be 22.1 degrees and snow. Like it’s been for the past who-knows-how-long. Really, probably 3 months, but I’ve really lost count. It was another grey day, clouds and fog and rain and snow hovering and blowing, hitting my window at work. I had a few meetings today, took a few phone calls, blah blah blah whine whine whine this isn’t fair, that isn’t easy, this shouldn’t be, why can’t that be?  

The drive home was the same too. Drive, stop. Go, wait.  Red, green. Look, he needs to turn left RIGHT HERE…go ahead, you already cut me off. Sure, cross the street, take your time, I apparently have all night. Oh, now you’re giving me a look? Really? Go…no, wait.  Red light. Windshield wipers going back and forth. Back and forth. Again. Again. Is it Wednesday? Or Tuesday? Feels like another Tuesday. Fortunately it’s not Monday. I get to feel fortunate. Yippee.   

Let’s see what tonight will bring.  Seven day forecast:  tomorrow-gray. Next day-gray. Gray gray gray gray, and gray. Let’s turn on the TV and see what’s on:  “Now here’s the latest in Libya…” <click> “…NFL players cry foul…” <click> “...injured in a car? Call…” <click> “….gas prices have risen…”  <click> “….buy this…”  <click> “…Lindsey Lohan…” <click> “…contact your doctor if you notice the following side effects…” <click> “…Charlie Sheen…” <click> “…budget cuts…” <click>”…tomorrow, see the season finale…” <click> “…(insert new movie trailer of almost forgotten obscure TV show remake here)…" <click> “…buy this…”  <click>  “…blah blah blah…” <click> “…whine whine whine…” <click> aw, forget it!

Fortunately, it’s 8:20 and the day is almost done. I get to feel fortunate. Yippee.

________________________________________________________________________

In all seriousness, though, it could be worse. We could live in Libya.  It could be 0 degrees and we could be unemployed AND broke AND homeless. It all could be gone in the blink of an eye. I try to live my life to appreciate every moment for what it is, as every moment that passes is a moment that can never be changed and a moment you can never get back.  I do truly believe it, but some days, these days of forced routine and less-than-ideal conditions, whether it’s weather, who you’re surrounded by, what you have to deal with, can be quite demotivating. Or depressing. Or annoying. And overwhelming. There’s a lot of crap out there, a lot of potholes to avoid and pitfalls to look out for. But one day, in a flash, the world or your world could be turned upside down. And so, as tough as it sometimes is, all I can do is keep pushing forward, even if blindly, blinded by the rains, and wind, and blah blah blah whine whine whine, trying to take advantage of every moment I have to feel as fortunate as I can feel.  Because every moment I am here, I get to feel fortunate. Yippee!!  

Ok, maybe that yippee is a little sarcastic…so I’ll end this with a simple  :)  …

The Travels of a Federal Tax Cut

Yes, I'm getting political now!  I'm not going to get too deep into it. I almost named this "The Trickle Down Theory" or "The Sh*t Rolls Downhill" or "Simple Non-Fuzzy Math".  This is in response to the release of the PA State Budget, but the same I think applies to NJ and NY is headed down the same road. 

(click to enlarge)

So, in summary:  Federal Income Taxes ↓ once leads to:

• Corporate Executive Income ↑ 5 times
• Federal  Executive Income ↑ twice
• State Executive Income ↑ twice
• Personal Income ↓ 6 times

UGH.

Why I Reject Labels (Not-So-Random Thought About Rodney King #10)

(suggested background music pairing:  Skin I'm In, Cameo, 1988)

OK, this isn’t related to the Rodney King video. But, it is related to my blog yesterday in terms of labels and stereotypes, and is something that happened to me at the same time as the Rodney King video, March 1991, twenty years ago, Spring Semester of my freshman year at IUP (Indiana University of PA). For those who don’t know, IUP is in a very rural part of Western PA, in the small rural town of Indiana, PA, but happens to be the biggest of the state schools.  Indiana was not much different than my hometown of Phoenixville PA, at least then. The two towns are four or five hours apart, and I chose there because I wanted to get away from the not-belonging stigma I felt I had at the time.

Anyway…in that spring semester, I was friends with a bunch of guys, who were mainly white, which for me never has and still doesn’t mean anything. We had reserved one of the basketball courts every Sat morning from 9 AM until Noon to go to play basketball. We usually had 10-15 guys, so we had enough for full court games with subs. One day, the gym we reserved was being used by a handful of black guys, 6 or 7, just kinda hanging around. On that day, all of the gyms were reserved and being used, otherwise we would have just used an empty one, but since that wasn’t the case, we told them we had the gym reserved so unfortunately they needed to leave. They gave us about 5 minutes of complaining and then left.

Also at that time, seemingly unrelated, the TV show In Living Color was quite popular.  One skit was “The Brothers Brothers”. Instead of trying to explain, here’s an example:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1asOoAjyC64 

SO…

9 Not-So-Random Thoughts About Rodney King

(suggested background music pairing:  BlackWidow, Buckshot LeFonque, 1994)

YES – I brought up Rodney King.  It was 20 years ago this week that he was beaten by the LAPD after leading them on a high speed chase, trying to avoid a DUI.  Instead of spending time going into details, here is the Wikipedia link.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rodney_King   

My thoughts:

1)  His infamous quote, “can we all get along” has been used many times, sometimes in jest, sometimes in seriousness, in both cases including by myself.  But it seems to me more often than not, it’s in jest.  I find that both sad and disturbing.  In and of itself, it is a very good message. 

“People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?...It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not, it’s not going to change anything. We’ll, we’ll get our justice....They won the battle, but they haven't won the war....Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to work it out.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgiR04ey7-M 

The problem is that I believe his label of being a drunk, the way he presented himself, the way he appeared, was a convenient way for people to ignore and downplay that message.  Which, as I said, I find that sad and disturbing.

My Employer Needs Me

(suggested background music pairing:  Workin' Day And Night; Michael Jackson, 1978)

March 2, 2011

Dear Avid Reader,

I regret to announce that I have to take a short leave of absence. Unfortunately, once a month, my employer goes through a cycle of testing and reporting, and he requires my full attention. See, my employer is suffering. Things are not looking good right now; the counts are down, the experts have tried everything they know, to no avail.  So, over the next few days, my employer requires every fiber of my being be devoted to rescuing him. He’s old, he’s been around the block, but he can’t quite keep up.  He’s shrinking; just a shell of his former self. But he is so needy. I try to tell him that I have my own life I need to take care of, but he’ll hear none of that. It’s all about him. Sometime I’ll be able to walk away. Unfortunately, again, he provides for my well-being. He’s actually been stingy over the past couple of years, and yet he says he needs more.  I know he’s really doing OK and this is all just a guilt trip, and I’m working on finding a way to walk away.   

I hope to be back to posting soon, but at times like this, my employer needs me. I hope you understand!

Sincerely,

John

___________________________________________________________

Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants - © David Letterman

10. "You've got a lovely pair of W-2's."
9.  "Please, baby, let me withhold you."
8.  "Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift."
7.  "In my office, 'I.R.S.' stands for 'I'm really sexy.' "
6.  "If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?"
5.  "You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income...now let's do it."
4.  "Let's fill out a 1040 -- you're a 10, and I'm 40."
3.  "You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her."
2.  "Lady, you make my pants file for an extension."
1.  "Nice assets."

A Day Trip to Cliche-land.

(suggested background music pairing:  Ramblin'; David Sanborn, 1992)

Rise and shine!  Wake up and smell the coffee!  This is your wake-up call!    

The early bird gets the worm.  Let’s put your best foot forward, take one step at a time, get on the good foot and learn to crawl before you walk.   A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.  Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.  Let’s put our pants on one leg at a time.  One moment at a time, up and at them, let’s not waste a single moment. The world is your oyster, seize the day!  Make it so.  Another day, another dollar. Hit the road, jack!  Jump in with both feet!  Blaze a new trail, take the road less traveled, forge your own path, I think I can; by hook or by crook, now we’re cooking with gas! Hit a bump in the road? Do a one-eighty!  It’s easy as pie, as A-B-C or as 1-2-3!