Ruts

I have quite a few good friends who are stuck in some pretty deep ruts. It is painful to watch someone struggle through the things life can throw at us.  I have been in some deep ruts in my lifetime, and it goes without saying that those experiences are very tough and many times life-changing.  

The very nature of being in a rut is deep, complicated, and sometimes paralyzing.  Ruts aren’t run-of-the-mill events, blips on the radar, or minor occurrences; they can take over and have a life of their own, gaining control and grinding life to a screeching halt, and it can be a very lonely place to be. Everything seems dark and nothing makes sense. When I find myself in a rut, I have a list of clichés that if I repeat enough, sometimes gets me out of the rut. As annoying as these phrases can be if said at the wrong time, I feel they can be quite helpful if thought about in a deeper context.

“It is what it is.” This may be my favorite phrase, though I sometimes use it in complete sarcasm.  The important thing here though, is the concept that sometimes we get wrapped up in a fog of thoughts and feelings and advice and messages, and next thing we know, we’re unsure of which way is up. “It is what it is” is meant to separate the facts from the emotions from the assumptions from the opinions.  It’s not meant to necessarily discount those other aspects, but instead to organize whatever situation we’re in. It seems like most ruts appear to be multiple issues happening all at the same time, and when multiple issues are blended together, the combination of it all can be very overwhelming.  But in most cases, if we’re able to break down a seemingly large overwhelming crazy issue into four smaller issues, and then within those issues, separate fact from fiction, that may be the beginning on determining the best way to get unstuck.

“You are who you are.” This, of course, is related to “it is what it is”; and again, the purpose is to separate the facts from the emotions from the assumptions from the opinions. But more importantly, this is also meant to separate who we are from who others think we are, who others may want us to be, who we might think we should be, or who we may have been. Who others want us to be, or think we are, most times should be completely ignored, but that of course is completely easier said than done. It’s hard to know what to ignore, however, if we haven’t been able to separate that out. And the same goes with who we think we should be, or want to be, or not want to be. Those all may be good ideas and good goals, but in the middle of a rut, it’s usually important to take stock of who we really are first.

Also embedded deep in this phrase is the acceptance of who you are. This cannot be over-emphasized…it is very important to accept that you are who you are. The large, large majority of us are not bad people. We may have made some bad decisions, done some bad things, but unless you’re reading this from prison or from a fugitive hiding place, you are not a bad person. (And if you are reading this from prison or form a fugitive hiding place, I’ll stick with “it depends”…) What you do does not make you who you are. Is it a factor? Yep. It is a piece of you? Yep. Is it the whole of you?  Nope.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff.” This is another phrase that sometimes gets over-used in cheesy contexts, but again, sometimes it is quite appropriate. And again, I’m not implying that the small stuff should be ignored, or somehow is belittled…but there’s a theme that is common in these first three phrases:  divide and conquer.  There are only so many things a person can deal with, and everyone has a different level of tolerance and ability to deal. But as a rut gets deeper and the problems start compounding each other, sometimes it’s a good idea to sit back and break down one problem into its smaller components. At that point, maybe you’ll find that there are some smaller aspects of the bigger rut that can be ignored, or set aside, or even quickly dealt with. In my opinion, most ruts DO have at least one pretty large issue that is worth “sweating”, but in many cases, most ruts are more than just that one pretty large issue.

“One day at a time”:  the fourth in the divide-and-conquer series. I think we all have a tendency, when in a rut, to analyzing the past, which is important. Part of the lesson in dealing with a situation is to figure out the steps and decisions and factors that took you down the road to this rut. In many cases, there are aspects of this path that were outside of your control in addition to the aspects that were in your control. But there is a different between analyzing what happened, versus obsessing or over-analyzing. In my definition of a rut, part of the definition is the feeling of being stuck. Many times, where we’re stuck is in the over-analyzing of how we got here. The over-what-if-ing that is so natural to do at times. There is a line between analyzing and over-analyzing that we need to make sure we try not to cross.

In addition to looking backwards, there are two potential traps in looking forwards also. The first is the wish that we could find our solution, to break our cycle, to leave our rut, immediately. The second is the fear that the solution is so large that we’ll never be able get through it all, so we never start. In both cases, we get stuck in our present because we’re jumping too far into our future.  As I’ve written, the “pretty-large” issue that helped cause the rut in the first place usually has a solution with multiple steps, to be done over a period of time. One day at a time really means to take one step at a time; to crawl before you walk before you run; to divide the bigger solution into smaller manageable reasonable (and hopefully easier) solutions.

“Don’t hesitate to call.” Loneliness is one of those emotions that feeds itself…the lonelier we feel; the more we don’t feel comfortable doing the one thing to break that – reaching out to someone else. Whether we feel like we’ll be a bother to someone, or that we’re afraid of imposing, or afraid of being judged.  I have found in a lot of cases, someone in a rut feels lonely because no one appears to reach out to them, but at the same time, they are pretending to be OK in front of everyone and hiding the fact that they are having an issue. It is my experience that when people find out that you’ve been in a rut for a while, many will feel bad for not being a good mind-reader, and wish that they would have been able to help sooner. As hard as it may be to open up, as choking as it may feel to ask for help, or support, or whatever it is that you may need, many times that reaching out is the single most important catalyst for breaking out of the rut.  

Most, if not all of us, have been in ruts more than once in our lives, and will most likely fall into a rut again in our lives. I sincerely hope that the strings of ruts my friends are in can be escaped sooner than later, and that we’re all able to avoid as many ruts as possible on this road called life.