A Typical Winter Day In My Life In Rochester

(...this was originally written January 17th, 2011...)

[Steps outside]

[Talks to self] "Good morning Wind...yes, I know you're here again, stinging my face. Yes, I know you won last week, even though I covered all of my face except my eyes, you still made them tear up, and made my nose run. So go ahead, blast my face with your little ice shards. See if I care." 

[Starts walking toward car - crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch...]

[Reaches into pocket with gloved hand, grabs keys, and...…says out loud] "Crap!” (…accidentally dropped keys into the snow)

[Talks to self again] "Where could they have...maybe if I step lightly here...no here...no,

[crunch] OK, there they are."

[Sticks car keys into the lock and...tries...to…to……says out loud again] "Crap!" (…realizes lock is frozen)

[Now starts to walk over the passenger side of car - crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch...]

[Takes glove off in order to not drop the keys again, puts in glove in mouth, puts key the passenger lock and tries...to...turn……the key turns.]

[Says to self] "YES!"

[Now grabs the car handle and……says out loud again] CRPH! (…hand slipped off door handle.) (By the way, that’s "crap!" muffled by the glove inserted in mouth) 

[Mumbles to self since door is frozen] "After all this practice you think I'd've mastered the art of pulling up and backwards at the same time” [Smack!] (…hand slipped off the door handle again and punches gloved mouth. which fortunately acted as a mouth guard.)

[Mumbles to self again] "OK, try again...pull!” [Crack] “...success!!! Of course, now there's snow on my seat, so let's sit in it so I feel like I have a cold wet diaper. Great. Just great."

[…and with cold wet diaper-like ass slides over to the driver side and pushes... pushes...the driver's side door open]

[Again mumbles to self while starting car] "OK baby, start up start up start up come on come on come on come on...SUCCESS!!"

[Now OCD kicks in. Makes sure all four car locks are unlocked order to get out of the car, so I can brush the snow off of the car. Then opens door and....…grumbles] "Oh, it's you, again, Wind. I see you haven't gone away."

[Now starts an almost useless fight consisting of:  brush snow off. Wind blows it back on. Repeat, but at random intervals the wind changes direction to blow the snow into my face instead of back onto the car.]

[Eventually decides to give up, gets back inside car where the "heater" is still blasting cold air...but at least it not as cold as outside.]

[Puts car in drive...taps the gas...wheels spin.]

[Taps gas again. Wheels spin again.]

[Floors the gas. Speedometer reads 25 mph and car finally moves forward two feet.]

[Says out loud:] “Woo hoo! Now I'm cooking with gas!”

[Approaches end of driveway...taps on the brakes...wait, I'm not stopping...I'm going faster...faster...and right into and then across the street.]

[Says to self:] "OK, forget stopping then!"

[Turns on windshield wipers.  Wipers smear ice across windshield.]

[Says out loud yet again:] "Crap!"

[Sprays windshield wiper fluid...forms blue ice on windshield.]

[Says out loud yet again:] "Crap!" 

(…seeing a pattern yet?)

[Windshield wipers are now frozen solid onto windshield.]

[Says to self:] "Looks like my face and Mr. Wind will be facing each other again...if only...I could roll down...the window. Ugh. What the...? Never mind.”

[Now steers the car to the left, and……car does a complete 180.  I think to myself.] "Hmph. Forget this!”

[Since I'm still only facing the front door of house - yes that all the progress that was made - decides to leave car on other side of the street to call it a day.]

[Puts the car in park, opens door, steps out......slips and does a perfect face-plant in the snow.]

[Says out loud, one last time, out loud] ”CRAP!"