Am I Happy?

(suggested background music pairing:  Don't Worry, Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin)

(yes, I went there!)

So, I’m sitting in my cube at work, looking out of my window down at the world.  I sit on the 14^th floor of one of the high-rises in Downtown Rochester.   If I look eastward, I can see other buildings, streets, houses, on into the horizon.  If I look northward, I can also see buildings, but on a clear day like today, Lake Ontario stretches out to the horizon.  So, I’m watching people walking and driving, like busy little cliché ants running around busily. In the background, I hear my co-workers, on calls, going back and forth to the printer, and complaining. We all complain at work, myself included.  But it seems as if the morale here has gotten worse over the past few months.  With worsening morale comes more complaining.  But at the end of the day, we all leave our collective complaints and head home to our own separate routines, running this kid here, stopping at that store there.  We become one of the busy little ants 14 floors down from where I am now.  

I, however, usually head home to my silent little townhouse.  I have no one to welcome me, I have very little to greet me.  I know that may sound sad, and sometimes it can be, but there are also some times where it’s exactly what I need.  Most times, however, I am OK with it.  Usually when I talk about my alone life in NY (and I don’t mean lonely), I get asked, “are you happy?”

That’s a loaded question.  It’s a vague question.  It’s a question that could drive any number of answers, but I’ll answer that with another question:  what does that mean?  Am I happy today?  Am I happy with myself?  Am I happy with my situation?  Which situation?  My career?  My home life?  My friendships, my weight, my plans?  My thoughts?  Am I happy with the weather?  OK, maybe I answered the first question with a long series of questions, but “are you happy?” is a key concept.  It’s the first question that gets asked when there is trouble in a relationship.  Sometimes it’s the last question that gets asked in a relationship also.  Most times, it seems, it gets asked when someone thinks you’ll answer with a no – an introduction to the follow-up question of “what’s wrong?” or “why not?”  But on top of the questions I already mentioned, I have a basic question...what is happiness? 

Is happiness success?  What is success?  Is success happiness?  Is it current state, or the average state over a period of time?  If I’m happy now, am I happy?  If I’ve been happy most of the last six months, am I happy?  A year?  Can one be happy if I’m in an unhappy situation?  Of if I’m surrounded by unhappiness?  Do I define happiness within myself, or are there outside factors?  Can I control my happiness?  Can I control what doesn’t make me happy?  Or what makes me unhappy?  Do any of those things control me?  Is happiness a self-standing emotion, or is it in comparison to something else?  Or someone?  Or some goal, or ideal, or perfection?  And how do you know when you’re happy?  

OK…so I answered one question with 35 questions.  And the bottom line is this:  everyone defines happiness differently.  The most important thing, in my opinion, is this:  how you define your own happiness?  Then the question is no longer “are you happy?”, it’s “are you meeting your personal definition of happiness?”   If you are, then I, in turn, am happy for you.  If you are not, then, are you really defining happiness by your own terms?  If so, is your definition achievable?  If so, are you headed down that road?  

Am I happy?  Yes, yes, working on it, yes, getting there, yes, not yet, yes, if only, but oh well, yes, and sure.  :)   Or, to shorten that:  generally.  Which is OK by me.  :)