Free Writing: Apathy and Self-Criticism

Since it’s been a while since I’ve written anything…I’m going to try some free writing. 

From Wikipedia:   Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, grammar, or topic. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. Unlike brainstorming where ideas are simply listed, in free writing one writes sentences to form a paragraph about whatever comes to mind.

I’m somewhat familiar to the concept of free writing, as I decided tonight to do just that. As I said, it’s been a while since I posted anything here, and really that’s because I’ve been in a funk, or out-of-balance, or a little overwhelmed with all that is going on. So I typed that first sentence above, and then decided to look up the definition of free writing on Wikipedia. 

In that definition, a word really stands out:  apathy. So, now, let’s look up the definition of apathy.  

Again from Wikipedia: Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, or physical life. He or she may exhibit an insensibility or sluggishness, also.

THAT’S IT! I’ve been apathetic. OK, so my exclamation is a little tongue-in-cheek - this isn’t a new revelation to me; I've been in this place for the past couple of weeks. My last post, now two weeks ago, my asking “Am I happy?” was more of an exercise of trying to convince myself that I am, was, should be, and should have been happy. But really, apathy was taking over then. 

And part of the issue is that, as I’ve written before, I believe in the connections between people, between friends and family, but that is a double-edged sword.  It seems as if there is a lot of unhappiness and stress out there in the worlds I’m a part of.  There have been some really traumatic events in the lives of some of my friends, and most of my friends are enduring some legitimate struggles, whether unemployed very recently, or even for a long time; health issues, financial issues, and so on.  It seems as if life is weighing more heavily on us more than ever before. And I find that statement kind of sad. Life itself shouldn’t be a force that presses down on us, or pulls the life out of us. And really, it’s not. It is the parameters of life, of the lives where we currently exist at this moment.

We all have our own parameters and boundaries we are held within.  Part of what apathy does for me is to tease me; where I start to wish I could break outside of those boundaries, and then feeling deflated in realizing that those boundaries are there for a reason.  By boundaries, I mean the one where I have to work to keep a roof over my head, or where I don’t have a spare million dollars laying around to take a trip to someplace warm for a week or a month (not that it would take the full million – it was easier to type the word million than to come up with a number like $1,000. I look at dollars all day working in Corporate America, which is adding to my apathy, and I am trying to avoid that here.) 

This winter was hard for me…this winter in Rochester was colder, more cloudy, and more snowy than normal officially. And Rochester is already more of those things than I like. But this winter seemed oppressing. And the moods of those I’m in contact with on a daily basis were oppressed too.  That daily basis, again, being within Corporate America, where we’re all feeling oppressed. 

There’s a lot of oppression and apathy and indifference around…and I’m admitting that lately, it has taken me over as well. Which, I don’t like. And, which leads to the second word that stood out in the definition of free writing:  self-criticism. And yes, I am very hard on myself, and always have been. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten better at that over the years…

…OK…time to stop being so self-critical, huh? Here goes…

Yes, I have gotten better at that over the years. Of course at times I’m going to revert back to that, but that’s not a bad thing in context and in moderation. And yes, I’ve been apathetic lately – and why not? There is a lot to be apathetic about! Otherwise I’d turning into a full blown crazy maniacal martyr, trying to save everyone and everything with no consideration for myself. Which, by the way, I already do a good job of that anyway! Because I’m hard wired that way, and that means from time to time, I need these moments of apathy to re-fuel. And I shouldn’t be so self-critical during my apathetic moments, for they serve a purpose, and being self-critical sends me down a darker path that I’d rather not go down. Life is not worth that, even if at times it seems that our parameters and boundaries oppress us deeply. Life is meant to be so much more, in spite of what may trap us.

Hmmm…I kinda like this free-writing concept! OK, honestly, I’ve always liked the free writing concept. Sometimes it’s just good to spill out your guts, whether on paper, or on screen, or to a good friend, or even to yourself…but the pressure has to be released. We can’t let it build inside like a pressure cooker or we’re all gonna blow.   So, let it all hang out!

Which means yes, you’ll see more of this at the journey of this blog continues…