State Of The Union Address - A Template

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, fellow citizens:

Insert opening quote from historic figure.

Tonight, thanks to the positive adjective and positive adjective of the American people, there is much progress to report. Something something something war, something something something economy, some positive statement! Add a statistical statement pointing towards growing economy.

Together, we have a couple clever metaphors that illustrate the state of our union is stronger.

But, put in an ominous statement stating that we’re not finished yet.

There are vague statements about how to counter above ominous statement, and we’ll frame that with vague statements about government’s role in our lives, followed by vague examples of what government will do, won’t do, should do, shouldn’t do, followed by vague statements about what we as a people should do and shouldn’t do.

Something something something budget, blah blah blah blah recovery mumble mumble mumble deficit. No new taxes some taxes other taxes reduce taxes.

Words words cuts more words more words more words defense spending words words education and Medicare and Social Security. Comparisons wealthy and poor, comments about middle class, families, small businesses, big businesses.

Reform, reform, reform! Adjust, adjust, adjust! Bipartisan this, teamwork that, American Way this, simplify that, grow here, close the gap there.

Let’s be clear about this: vague statements and loose statistics and rhetorical questions. (cued applause, including camera shot of first lady and vice-president, both nodding with approval)

I’ve done this and I’ve done that, and it worked. I tried to do this and I tried to do that, and we got bogged down in the system, and the problems are still here. Blame this and blame that and urge this and call on that and something and mumble mumble.

Our first priority is some obvious statement. (cued applause) Followed by more vague good-sounding but shaky statistics.

Overseas this and global that and protect our vague interests but expand our vague borders. Scientists and technology and innovation and growth engines and Space (Mars?) and ENERGY. Green, green and green equals green. Long winded speech about gas and alternative fuels and urging change and climate change and have you seen the Polar Vortex? (cue laughing applause) Link green and environment and energy to jobs and economy rhetorically.

But for the sake of our children and our future, we must do something and something else and even more something, but less this and less of that. Insert another set of vague positive statements driving home the point of strong economic growth. Re-urge bipartisanship, and drop key names of well-known Congresspersons from both parties. Add a quick shout out to the other parties as well. Vow that action will be taken regardless.  (pan the crowd and select a few Congresspersons to focus on)

Now that the high-level points were made, and the same points were reiterated mid-level, over the next 70 minutes, let’s dive into detail on each point, long windedly, obviously walking a thin line between positive forward-looking statements, with cleverly hidden shots, without specifics but with specifically-vague facts. Don’t forget some of our tragedies in the past year, and vow to ensure that government will make sure it will never happen again, or that government will be prepared to handle it with swift, decisive action. For the children   Bring up specific stories about ordinary Americans who have done extraordinary things, making sure not to exclude any particular race, creed, religion, or gender, and point to the inspiration of the American spirit to make some grand patriotic statement!

Find one single word that embodies that said patriotic statement; give it a long and forward-looking definition, and build to the closing statement!

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

(Cheers and handshakes all around.)

Up next:  twelve months of all kinds of so called experts, pundits, specialists, authorities, talking heads, analysts, commentators, politicians, talk show hosts, breaking down the above, spinning it, and regurgitating it back out into 2,500 45-second synopses that we can all fight over to prove whatever points we want to believe. What he said, what he didn’t say, what he meant, what he didn’t mean, how he stood, what hand gestures he used, the color of his tie, eye contact, vocal inflections, how many pauses, timing of sips of water, spotlight location, facial expressions of those on stage and those in the audience, what those all meant and didn’t mean and implied and projections about the next Presidential election.  Lost of projections.  And colorful maps with elephants and and stars and stripes, and polls and studies and predictions and blah blah blah…